


my love

by danvrssawyr



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, COVID-19, Coronavirus, F/F, Fix-It, Fluff, Quarantine, Sanvers - Freeform, Sanvers Endgame, SanversLockdown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:20:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23284663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danvrssawyr/pseuds/danvrssawyr
Summary: Fix-it. The global pandemic of COVID-19 has everyone on lockdown. One day Alex decides to check in on Maggie to make sure she's okay. #SanversLockdown2020
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Maggie Sawyer, Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 16
Kudos: 113
Collections: Secret Sanvers Lockdown Writing Challenge





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this mentions k*lly in the first 2 chapters, but that's it. sanvers endgame, duh.

The past few weeks have been insane. The panic, the fear, the unanswered questions. While Kara has been flying around the city and nearby towns distributing supplies paid for by L-Corp, Alex has been working tirelessly in the lab at the DEO. Since the DEO is technically a government organization, she has been in touch with the CDC, racing to create a medication to properly battle COVID-19. 

She has been isolated, of course, and while she normally would forgo sleep and food when working on such an urgent project, she was ordered to take breaks to keep her immune system up. Although Kara’s Kryptonian cells are immune to the virus, it can still live on the surface of her skin and clothing, so she doesn’t visit Alex as much as they would like. So Alex has been very much isolated.

Her mandated breaks from work have given her a lot of time to think. A global emergency, a pandemic, also makes her think. About the people she cares about, the people she couldn’t bear losing to the virus, the people she wishes she could talk to. Of course she isn’t worried about Kara, but she worries about her mom. Kara has been bringing her groceries and supplies so she doesn’t have to go out and risk being infected. She wishes she could be there for her like that too. But she tells herself the way she’s helping is by working on a medication. A cure. 

She thinks about Kelly. And Maggie. She thinks about Maggie a lot. She feels guilty that she thinks about Maggie more than her current girlfriend. She thinks she should break up with Kelly, but she feels awful doing it during a pandemic. There’s so much panic. People are so alone. But all her brain can do is scream “Maggie, Maggie, Maggie” at her. She hasn’t spoken to her ex-fiancee in so long. She knows Maggie is doing all she can to help the community as a police officer, and she hopes she’s staying safe and healthy. All the thinking about Maggie’s safety makes her think about things she wishes she could say to her. Life-threatening situations happen in their field of work all the time. In the action she doesn’t have to think. But in these situations where all she can do is wait, and wait, and wait, all her emotions come bubbling to the surface.

She remembers when she was trapped in that water tank. It was an emergency, but she couldn’t do anything but wait. She tried to tell Maggie everything while she was in there - all the things she should have said before she was about to die. Thinking it was too soon to tell Maggie she loved her before was a mistake - it’s never too soon. If you love someone, you should tell them. So then when they almost died during the Daxamite invasion, she asked Maggie to marry her. She wasn’t going to wait until it was too late.

So now, she thinks about how badly she wants to reach out to Maggie. To tell her that she still thinks about her every single day. How sorry she is that she hurt her. How worried and scared she is during this crisis. She doesn’t want it to be too late. She’s thought about that for the past week she’s been stuck at the DEO. 

This night isn’t different from any other night. Alex wraps up her work for the night, decontaminates, and gets ready for bed. She stares at the ceiling and thinks. She thinks about the same shit she’s been thinking about for days. She itches to grab her phone. She doesn’t know if she should. She needs to know that Maggie is okay. Maybe not tell her everything she’s thinking, but at least reach out and make sure she’s okay. To give her peace of mind so that she can get her shit together once this ordeal is over and actually try to be honest with Maggie… and with Kelly.

She sighs. And then she grabs her phone.

She opens her text messages and types in “Maggie.” Her name used to have an emoji next to it: a pink heart with an arrow through it. It hurt her to see after they broke up, so now it’s just “Maggie.” No “Sawyer.” Just “Maggie.” Her name makes Alex’s heart clench. It hurts and feels so good at the same time. She always felt like Maggie’s name was like a warm hug. She felt safe. Now all she feels is longing. She lets out a long exhale, feeling tears pricking at her eyes. She’s not going to cry. That’s not what this is about. She starts typing.

 **Alex:** _Hi, Maggie. It’s Alex. I wanted to check in, make sure you’re doing okay._

She sends it. She holds her breath until she hears the little “bloop,” meaning it actually went through. She doesn’t expect Maggie to answer her right away, or at all. She just hopes. She doesn’t know how to distract herself, and she can’t fall asleep. She figures she’ll wait ten minutes, and if there’s no response she’ll resign to sleep. One minute passes and her phone vibrates.

 **Maggie:** _Hi. I know, I still have you saved in my phone. I’m okay. It’s tough, but I’m not sick._  
**Maggie:** _Thanks for checking in. How are you holding up?_

Seeing that Maggie still has her number saved makes Alex’s chest hurt. She has to give herself a minute to collect herself before she starts sobbing. She can’t help it. 

Maggie was not expecting to get a text from Alex. She had been contemplating sending a text of her own, knowing Alex must be working in the lab trying to help the medical world come up with a vaccine, a medicine, a cure, or anything else that could possibly help people during the pandemic. There hasn’t been much she and her detective squad could really do to help during this situation. The uniformed officers patrol to make sure people aren’t gathering in large groups and to see if anyone needs help. The detectives have been donating supplies and volunteering at homeless shelters, women’s shelters, and LGBT+ shelters. Since there isn’t much she could do besides that, Maggie has had a lot of time to think. Whenever she has extra time to think, her mind always wanders to Alex. She still misses her, and she wishes she didn’t. She knows Alex is dating someone else and it breaks her fucking heart. She wishes she didn’t care. She wishes she could get over this woman, but she just can’t. It’s not like she hasn’t tried. But after two years she still knows that Alex was the love of her life. She would never love someone as much as she loved Alex. Now she thinks she’d give birth to a child herself if it meant Alex would take her back, but it isn’t that simple anymore. Too much time has passed. Too much has happened. And she doesn’t expect Alex to reach out. But she did. 

Seeing the text notification on her home screen made her heart jump out of her throat. She couldn’t help but let a tear slip down her cheek. Not only did Alex text her, but Maggie never changed her contact name. Alex’s texts still showed up as “My Love” on Maggie's phone. And that’s what hit her the hardest. Alex is still her love, and Maggie’s name in her phone was probably changed to “Detective Sawyer.” 

But Alex was thinking about her. Alex wanted to know if she was okay. That woman always had a knack for dramatic expressions of love at the end of the world. This was as close to love as Maggie was going to get from her ex. It felt like a lot. She never actually got much closure with Alex. It all happened too fast. That open-endedness of not wanting to leave each other despite wanting different things from life left her heart holding onto her love for Alex. Her inner hope that maybe Alex would always love her too, that maybe one day they’d find their way back to each other. Maggie doesn’t usually think like that. Well, she didn’t think like that until she met Alex. She was always a pessimist when it came to her relationships - whenever she went through a breakup, she convinced herself that the women just didn’t care about her anymore, as they all inevitably did. She convinced herself that once someone got to know her well enough, they wouldn’t want to be in her life anymore. Alex changed that. She doesn’t think Alex got sick of her. She just wasn’t enough for Alex because Alex wanted a child. She learned so much self-care from the way Alex loved her that she doesn’t blame herself. Obviously, so many people feel the need to have children to fulfill their lives. She doesn’t blame Alex for that. 

Now she has a text from Alex on her phone. It starts, “Hi, Maggie. It’s Alex.” As if Alex thought Maggie would delete her number. Maggie laughs grimly at that. Then she replies. 

Alex takes a minute to respond. 

**My Love:** I’m alright. Not sick either. I’ve been working in the lab on a possible medication, but it’s taking a lot of time and energy. 

After that, Maggie doesn’t wait to respond anymore and replies instantly. 

**Maggie:** _That’s good. I figured you’d be working on something like that. I feel a bit useless, considering the world’s biggest enemy right now is a tiny virus and not someone I can find and interrogate._

Alex replies instantly too. 

**Alex:** _If only it were that easy._

It’s true. People can be unpredictable, but both women had extensive training and experience with the psychology of criminals - knowing how they think, how to track them down, how to get them to confess. Microscopic viruses were a little bit harder to beat. You could catch it, but not in the way you’d catch a bad guy. The goal was to not catch it. You can’t chase a virus or ask it why it’s infecting people. Alex is a bioengineering expert, but even she could admit that cracking the code to a cure is way harder than her DEO fieldwork. 

**Maggie:** _Yeah._  
**Alex:** _I’m glad you’re okay._  
**Maggie:** I _’m glad you’re okay too._

There’s a lull, and Maggie thinks that’s the end of the conversation. Alex got the information she wanted. But her phone buzzes again.

 **My Love:** _It’s really good talking to you again._

It really was amazing talking to Maggie again. Even though Alex’s heart feels weighed down by the pain of lost love, talking to Maggie feels light, even when the situation is heavy. Maggie really gets her on a fundamental level. She knows they’re thinking about the same things. Maybe Maggie was thinking about reaching out to her too. She’s glad she made the effort. Before they were together, Maggie was Alex’s first best friend besides Kara in a long time. She misses that. 

**Maggie:** _It really is._

Maggie wants to say more. She wants to say she misses Alex. She misses the way they got each other without having to say anything. She misses their love, but she also misses their friendship. She misses Alex’s companionship and the way they teased each other about dumb things like pool and bonsai trees. She misses coming home to Alex and being able to let all her stress go and just talk to Alex, to be held in her arms, to feel safe and understood. 

Maggie wasn’t sure if this was just a one-time check-in. But she thought she’d offer an olive branch to keep the dialogue going. 

**Maggie:** _Hey, um… Don’t hesitate to reach out again if you want to talk. About anything. If you want to._  
**Alex:** _I will. I’d like that._

It felt so good to talk to Alex, and at a time like this she needs to talk to someone who knows her as deeply as Alex does. As a friend. Their relationship as lovers ended, but did that mean their relationship as two people had to end forever? Maybe this is a new beginning for them. Maggie knows better than to get her hopes up for more than friendship - even though she wants so much more - because Alex has a girlfriend. Maggie once said that she didn’t want to imagine her life without Alex in it. Well, she experienced it, and it sucked. Alex turned her world upside down in the best way when they met. It’s like her world was upside down to begin with, and Alex helped her turn it right side up. It fell to the wayside when Alex disappeared from her life for two years. She hopes they can support each other at least as friends during such an uncertain time. 

Clearly Alex wanted to talk to Maggie since she was the one who reached out first, but the fact that Maggie wants to keep talking to her makes Alex’s heart explode. She wants to say her feelings for Maggie are complicated, but she knows they aren’t. She knows she’s still in love with her. They never got closure. They were still in love when they said goodbye. It probably wasn’t the right choice to break up, they probably could have figured it out, but at the time it felt like it had to happen. Maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe they were meant to help each other and then live their lives with new perspectives. Maybe they were meant to find their way back to each other after living apart. 

Their relationship would remain over text for now. They can’t see each other since they have to be quarantined. Maybe that would be the best way to slowly integrate themselves back into each other’s lives. 

While Maggie settles for the thought of being friends, Alex can’t help but feel like there was something more. Reconnecting with Maggie felt like her broken heart was finally being put back together. 

“Fuck,” Alex says to herself. 

Before, she could just silently deal with her daily thoughts about Maggie. She could push them away because there was no point to them. But now. Now, Alex is fucked. Alex always knew she would never fully get over Maggie, that Maggie was the most intense love of her life. Now that they were talking, she feels her love oozing out of her chest. She feels like she’s cheating. She has to say something to Kelly. 

Alex can’t sleep. Should she throw away her relationship that seemed to be going well over her feelings for Maggie? Over something that might not actually happen? It was the fact that Alex hoped something would happen between her and Maggie that made her feel like an asshole. 

You can’t just wait until you cheat on your girlfriend to know you have to end it. If you have feelings for someone else, you have to choose whether you want to pursue them or push them away. Alex can’t help her feelings for Maggie. She really likes Kelly, and if Maggie didn’t exist she’d probably be extremely happy with Kelly. But Maggie exists. She didn’t end things with Maggie because she fell out of love with her. She ended things over wanting children when Maggie didn’t. Something she isn’t even sure she could have - or even wants to have - anymore. 

She made a choice, and she can’t change the past. She has the opportunity to make a choice now and change the future. She wants Maggie back so badly. Should it even matter if Maggie wants her back too? Should the chance that Maggie doesn’t feel the same keep her from ending her relationship? Should the fact that she wants Maggie so badly be the deciding factor? If she ends it and Maggie doesn’t want her back, she’ll have nothing. But was there any real integrity in her relationship with Kelly if she was still in love with Maggie? She doesn’t know the right answer. She decides to sleep on it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one thing ends and another begins...

The next day just leads to more thinking, more contemplating. Alex thinks about all the times she has missed Maggie in the past year she’s been with Kelly. She still missed Maggie when she had a girlfriend. She thinks about if, hypothetically, she and Maggie got back together - would she think about Kelly then? The answer she comes up with is what makes her decide what to do. The answer: No. She wouldn’t long for Kelly with Maggie the way she longs for Maggie with Kelly. She has to break up with her girlfriend.

She decides to wait until her shift ends, so that they could have one potentially long conversation without her having to go back to work. 

Now, she sits on her bed with her phone and her laptop. She texts Kelly.

 **Alex:** _Do you have time to video call about something?_  
**Kelly:** _Yeah, call me._

Alex uses her laptop to call. She’s nervous and she feels horrible about what she’s about to do. Video call is the closest to face-to-face contact she can do in quarantine. Kelly answers the call and her face shows up.

“Hey,” she says. “What’s up?”

“Um, well, we need to talk about something. I feel horrible having to bring this up on video,” Alex says.

“What is it?”

“I think we need to break up. I’m saying it now because I didn’t want you to have to spend this whole quarantine thinking you’d have a girlfriend at the end of it. I’m sorry.”

“Oh. I’m confused, I thought things were going well?”

“They were. But there’s something…” Alex trails off. She contemplates whether she should tell the truth about Maggie.

“This quarantine has given me so much time to think,” Alex starts. “I just haven’t been honest with you. I’m not fully in this relationship the way I should be, and you deserve someone who will love you fully, with no hesitation. But I can’t. I’m not over Maggie, and I’m so sorry.”

“Your ex-fiancee?” Kelly asks calmly. Alex could see her going into therapist mode. 

“Yes. I think about her so much. So much stuff reminds me of her, so I’m thinking about her and missing her way too often. More often than a person in a happy relationship should. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, you can’t help it. I just wish you told me sooner.”

“I’m so sorry about that. It just feels like I’ll still be in love with her forever. It got to a point where I felt like I was cheating on you.”

“Have you been speaking to her?”

“I-” Alex gulps. She feels guilty now. “I sent her a text last night to make sure she was okay. To know if she was sick or not.” She bows her head.

“Okay, and before that?” She’s starting to sound angry.

“Last night was the first time I have had contact with her since right after the breakup, when she asked me to send her her passport.”

Kelly goes quiet.

“I’m really sorry, Kelly. It isn’t anything about you, I’ve had such a wonderful time with you. But I just don’t think it’s right for me to be thinking about another woman while I’m in a relationship.”

“Yeah,” is all she replies.

“I’m sorry,” Alex says again.

“I know,” she pauses. “I guess this is goodbye, then.”

“Yeah. Goodbye, Kelly.”

“Goodbye, Alex.” The screen goes blank as the call ends. 

Alex feels like shit.

She calls Kara. 

“Hey, you busy?” Alex asks.

“Nope, do you need something?”

“I just need to talk. I broke up with Kelly,” Alex says with a sigh.

“Oh no,” Kara says. “What happened? Weren’t things going well?”

“I mean, yeah.” Alex pauses. “But I wasn’t as into the relationship as she was. It just wasn’t fair to her. I felt like I was leading her on.”

“Leading her on how?”

“I was leading her on because I was thinking about someone else the whole time we were together.”

“Maggie?” Kara asks knowingly.

“Yeah, Maggie,” Alex says. She sighs again. She feels lost.

“I have a feeling you don’t want me to tell you again that you two broke up for a reason. It takes a long time to get over someone sometimes, since you loved her so much. I get why you felt like you couldn’t be in a relationship. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think I’m gonna get over Maggie. And I don’t think I can have the things I wanted at the time. Things have changed. But one thing hasn’t changed: that I love Maggie.”

Kara thinks for a minute. “Are you going to get in touch with her?” She asks.

“I… Already have,” Alex says. “Not about that. Just seeing if she was okay.”

“Are you going to tell her how you feel?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t know. I don’t wanna put that weight on her right now. We’re trying to be friends.”

“Okay, as long as you’re gonna be okay with that,” Kara says. She worries about her sister.

“Yeah, I’m gonna be okay. Talking to her made me so happy, and we were only texting.”

“Do you want me to come over there?” Kara asks, hoping to keep Alex company.

“No, I’m good. I’m just gonna go to sleep,” Alex says. “Thanks for the talk.”

“Any time. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

The call ends. Alex sits on her bed, turning her phone over in her hands. She wants to tell Maggie about all this. But she knows she shouldn’t. She can’t just text her saying _“I just broke up with my girlfriend and I’m still in love with you.”_.

They agreed to talk as friends, and friends talk about break ups. She wants to let Maggie know she’s single, in a subtle way. Maybe she’ll figure it out if she just starts a conversation with her. She really just wants to talk to her.

 **Alex:** _Hi, how was your day?_

Maggie replies quickly.

 **Maggie:** _Honestly, boring. I feel useless. How was yours?_  
**Alex:** _I’m sorry. Today was hard. I worked so hard but got nowhere. It’s frustrating._  
**Maggie:** _That sucks._

There’s a pause. Then Maggie texts again.

 **Maggie:** _Wanna play pool?_  
**Alex:** _What? How?_  
**Maggie:** _iMessage! Here..._

Maggie sends Alex a game of 8-ball. A huge smile breaks out across Alex’s face. They’re going to play pool. Virtually, but pool nonetheless. Like old times. Like the last time Maggie tried to be friends with her. When she said she didn’t want to imagine her life without Alex in it. Alex starts to think maybe they’re coming around full circle.

 **Alex:** _I can’t believe I’ve never played this before. This is going to be the one time you’re better than me at pool, so enjoy it._

Teasing Maggie like that came so naturally to her. They always had great flirty banter.

 **Maggie:** _Rude!_  
**Alex:** _You know it’s true._  
**Maggie:** _Yeah, yeah. Let’s play!_

So they play iMessage pool. Alex gets the hang of it pretty quickly, but Maggie still wins the game. 

**Alex:** _Damn it!_  
**Maggie:** _Pretty weak game, Danvers._  
**Alex:** _You underestimate what a quick learner I am._  
**Maggie:** _Oh, I know exactly what a quick learner you are._

There’s a pause. _Oh my god,_ Maggie thinks. _I did NOT just say that._ She, of course, was referring to how quickly Alex learned… things… in the bedroom. They joked about the quick learning thing a lot, so it was kind of a reflex for Maggie to reply like that. It wasn’t one hundred percent appropriate this time though.

 _Oh my god,_ Alex thinks. _Did she just-? She’s talking about sex. Is she flirting with me? Oh my god._ Alex blushes deeply.

 **Maggie:** _I’m sorry, that was too far._  
**Alex:** _No it’s fine, it’s just banter._  
**Maggie:** _I didn’t mean to be flirty, I know that isn’t what this is about, and you have a girlfriend._

Well, there’s Alex’s opportunity to tell Maggie what happened today.

 **Alex:** _Actually, Kelly and I broke up._

_“Oh,”_ Maggie actually says out loud, eyes wide. She just flirted with her ex-fiancee whom she’s still in love with. Her ex-fiancee who is single again. Her heart beats so fast she thinks she’s gonna pass out. She doesn’t know what to say.

 **Maggie:** _Oh, I’m sorry about that._  
**Alex:** _Yeah, thanks. I’m okay though_  
**Maggie:** _I mean, you can talk about it with me if you want to, I don’t mind. We’re trying to be friends, right?_

Maggie doesn’t know why she said that. She doesn’t really want to hear how this other woman broke Alex’s heart. But she kind of wants to know. Was it mutual? Who broke up with whom? It’s nosy, but she can’t help but wonder anyways.

 **Alex:** _Yeah, we’re friends._

Alex doesn’t know what else to say. All she can tell her is she broke up with her girlfriend because she was still in love with Maggie. That might fuck stuff up. She could just tell her it was because she liked someone else. But she doesn’t want Maggie to think it’s not her. It’s too soon to tell Maggie something that heavy. So she twists the truth a little.

 **Alex:** _It was mutual. I’m not that upset about it. It sucks but it just wasn’t working out. That’s all._  
**Maggie:** _Well, I’m glad you’re okay._  
**Alex:** _Thanks._

_Well, that wasn’t so bad,_ Maggie thinks. At least there’s no one to be jealous of anymore. She and Alex can just focus on being friends and supporting each other through the quarantine and Alex’s hard work. She still wants to just call her and tell her everything she’s been thinking about for the past two years, but she won’t. 

**Maggie:** _How about we each get a drink and play another game of 8-ball?_  
**Alex:** _Absolutely. You’re going down, Sawyer._  
**Maggie:** _Ha! We’ll see..._

Alex wins that round.


End file.
